四六级考试网

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn’t have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and snuck him on to the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat.”Are you OK, mister?” the stewardess asked. “Yes, I’m fine,” said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. “Are you sure you’re all right, sir?” “Yes,” the man insisted, “but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.” “I see,” the stewardess said. “Well, as long as he’s housebroken, I guess it will be OK.” “Oh, he’s housebroken,” the man replied. “The problem is, he’s not weaned yet!”

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot. They were an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen. The elephant complained, “Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!” The Lord said, “Don’t complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!” Next the giraffe complained, “Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!” The Lord said, “Don’t complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance.” The hen spoke up, “Lord, I don’t want to complain, but either let me have a bigger hole or smaller eggs.”

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!”

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.The British submited a dry historical account “The Elephant and the British Empire.”The French submited a text “The Sensuality of the Elephant — a Personal Account.”The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled “An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant’s Ear.”The Americans submited an article from “Money” magazine: “Elephants — the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s”Green-Peace submited a counter-entry “Elephants — they’re better than People”The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled “The superiority of the Soviet Elephant”But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier “We have no Elephants but wouldn’t you want to buy a Honda instead”

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, ‘Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?’ A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, ‘It’s my dog. Why?’ ‘Well,’ squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, ‘I believe my dog just killed it, sir.’ ‘What?’ roared the big man in disbelief. ‘What in the hell kind of dog do you have?’ ‘Sir,’ answered the little man, ‘It’s a four week old puppy.’ ‘Bull!’ roared the biker, ‘How could your puppy kill my Doberman?’ ‘It appears that he choked on it, sir.’

This guy who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.The friend says, “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, and I’m sending him over.”The midget arrives, and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth,” the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.”Nith looking horth. Can I see her mouf?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s teeth.”Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.”OK, what about the earsth?” Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.”Okay, finally, I would like to see her twat.” With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, and shoves his head up the horse’s twat, then pulls him out.Shaking his wet head, the midget says, “Perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run.”

There were three guys hitchiking along the roads of a plain, boring field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of them a cow ranch, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay there for the night. So they looked for the main office to ask the ranch owner if they could stay for the night. However, the ranch owner left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey, they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They each slept under a cow. One guy said, “I’m hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?”Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath the milk sac. So they began to suck and drink.The first guy said, “My cow’s milk is so good, I finished it all and now I’m full.”The second guy said, “My cow’s milk is so good, I finished it all and now I’m full.”The third guy said, “My cow’s milk doesn’t taste quite right.”The first and second guy then said to the third guy, “Well, try another nipple, that one probably has no more milk.”The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, “But how come my cow has only one, long, nipple!?”

Once upon a time, there was a nonconformist sparrow who decided to not fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather had turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to earth nearly frozen solid, landing in a barnyard.A cow passed by where the sparrow had fallen and crapped on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy and able to breath, the sparrow started to sing. Just then, a large cat came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. The moral of the story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy; everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend; and if you’re warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.