四六级考试网

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three of their neighbors’ houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.So the young wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.” The clerk replied, “Sorry, we’re all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does knows karate.”The wife didn’t believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, “Karate that chair.” The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces. Then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog’s abilities as a guard dog.When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, “Karate my ass!” And to this very day, he is in the hospital.

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.” The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.” “$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man… “Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm.A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chiwawa dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:”First I’ll climb up there with the ladder. Then I’ll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chiwawa will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo…”Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun?”Well,” explained the experienced gorilla retriever, “It’s just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball, shoot the dog.”

Two storks are sitting in their nest – a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him. “Don’t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.” The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says, “Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.” A few days later, the stork’s parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he’s been all night. The baby stork says, “Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!”

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven’t got the energy.”"Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.The moral of the story is: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!”The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things – chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.Finally, the uncle had an idea. “Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?” This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.After a few hours, the nephew returned.”How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.”It was great!” exclaimed the nephew. “Got any more dogs?”

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?”"Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?”"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…”"What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?”"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?”The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.” The indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comesback with a naked blonde.She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man… only think one thing.” The second day, the chief says, “What wish today?”The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse’s ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man going die tomorrow … can only think one thing.” The last day comes, and the chief says, “This last wish, white man. What want?”The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”