四六级考试网

A preacher is buying a parrot.”Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher.”Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him.”Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord’s prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.”"Wonderful!” says the preacher, “but what happens if you pull both strings?”"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!” screeched the parrot.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”"No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says “Sure, we can put you up.” The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks “Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig’s neck?” The farmer says “Sure. It’s really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son’s life. So, we gave him the medal.”The vagrant is amazed and says “Well, how about that silver medal?” The farmer says “A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal.”The homeless man says “While I’m at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal.”The farmer says “My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal”The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks “What about the wooden leg?”The farmer says, matter-of-factly, “Well, you don’t eat a pig like THAT all at once!”

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.” “That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?” Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.” So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… You must be a bunny rabbit!” Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?” And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?” So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer.”

A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.”I’ll have a bourbon and Coke!”The man then turns to his dog and asks, “What are you going to have, Rover?”"I’ll have a Scotch and soda — light on the soda,” says Rover.The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. “Come on,” he says, “that dog can’t talk — you’re a ventriloquist!”"No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself — but don’t let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog.”The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.”Hey, where’s my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight.”"Aw, I didn’t believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper.”"Let’s go look for him,” said the man.The two went to the drugstore — no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets — no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, “How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!”"First time I ever had any money!”

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three of their neighbors’ houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.So the young wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.” The clerk replied, “Sorry, we’re all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does knows karate.”The wife didn’t believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, “Karate that chair.” The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces. Then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog’s abilities as a guard dog.When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, “Karate my ass!” And to this very day, he is in the hospital.

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.” The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.” “$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man… “Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm.A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chiwawa dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:”First I’ll climb up there with the ladder. Then I’ll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chiwawa will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo…”Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun?”Well,” explained the experienced gorilla retriever, “It’s just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball, shoot the dog.”

Two storks are sitting in their nest – a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him. “Don’t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.” The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says, “Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.” A few days later, the stork’s parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he’s been all night. The baby stork says, “Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!”