四六级考试网

A Pole and a Chezck go bear hunting. When they don’t come back their friend go looking for them.They find two tracks leading into the wood and follow them to a clearing. There are two guns on the ground and blood all over and they realize that the bears must have eaten their friends.There is a loud crashing noise and a much roaring and the two bears (a male and a female) rush them. Blasting away with the guns the friends kill the female while the male gets away.They find on cutting open the female the remains of their Polish friend. This can only mean one thing…The Chezck is in the male

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food.Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human’s homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom’s toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat’s vomited food.2. I will not jump on the [xxx].kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human’s full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].sofa, carpet, drapes, my human’s leg, my human’s boss’s leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human’s tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby’s mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people’s shoes, bathtub, my Dad’s collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).5. I will not climb the [xxx].Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food7. I will not hide [xxx].Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human’s toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear9. [xxx] is not cat food.Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea10. [xxx] is not a bed.The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people’s wedding, piano strings, Mommy’s sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human’s toes; my human’s penis (see “Robin Williams, Live at the Met”); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy’s snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.

A burglar has just made it into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.”I can see you, and so can Jesus!”The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”"So what,” says the burglar, “you’re only a parrot!”To which the parrot replies, “Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!”

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts? A: They’re all on the same team.Q: How do you know if there’s an elephant in bed with you? A: She has a big ‘E’ on her pajama jacket pocket.Q: Why won’t they allow elephants in public swimming pools? A: Because they might let down their trunks.Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.Q: What do elephants use for tampons? A: Sheep.Q: What do elephants use for condoms? A: Snakes.Q: What do elephants use for vibrators? A: Epileptic pigmies.Q: Why do elephants have long trunks? A: ‘Cos sheep don’t have strings.Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period? A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.Q: What is an elephant’s sex organ? A: His foot… If he steps on you you’re FUCKED!Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders? A: A pachydermatologist.Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Take away his credit card.Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker? A: A two-ton pickup.Q: What did the female elephant say during sex? A: “Can I be on top this time?”Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man? A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy’s owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. “Randy” he said, “You can’t possibly last at this pace.” “Slow down, I need you for a long time.” Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said “How could you?” “I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were.”Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said “Shh, they’re getting closer.”

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn’t have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and snuck him on to the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat.”Are you OK, mister?” the stewardess asked. “Yes, I’m fine,” said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. “Are you sure you’re all right, sir?” “Yes,” the man insisted, “but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.” “I see,” the stewardess said. “Well, as long as he’s housebroken, I guess it will be OK.” “Oh, he’s housebroken,” the man replied. “The problem is, he’s not weaned yet!”

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot. They were an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen. The elephant complained, “Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!” The Lord said, “Don’t complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!” Next the giraffe complained, “Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!” The Lord said, “Don’t complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance.” The hen spoke up, “Lord, I don’t want to complain, but either let me have a bigger hole or smaller eggs.”

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!”