四六级考试网

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.The British submited a dry historical account “The Elephant and the British Empire.”The French submited a text “The Sensuality of the Elephant — a Personal Account.”The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled “An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant’s Ear.”The Americans submited an article from “Money” magazine: “Elephants — the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s”Green-Peace submited a counter-entry “Elephants — they’re better than People”The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled “The superiority of the Soviet Elephant”But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier “We have no Elephants but wouldn’t you want to buy a Honda instead”

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, ‘Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?’ A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, ‘It’s my dog. Why?’ ‘Well,’ squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, ‘I believe my dog just killed it, sir.’ ‘What?’ roared the big man in disbelief. ‘What in the hell kind of dog do you have?’ ‘Sir,’ answered the little man, ‘It’s a four week old puppy.’ ‘Bull!’ roared the biker, ‘How could your puppy kill my Doberman?’ ‘It appears that he choked on it, sir.’

This guy who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.The friend says, “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, and I’m sending him over.”The midget arrives, and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth,” the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.”Nith looking horth. Can I see her mouf?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s teeth.”Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.”OK, what about the earsth?” Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.”Okay, finally, I would like to see her twat.” With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, and shoves his head up the horse’s twat, then pulls him out.Shaking his wet head, the midget says, “Perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run.”

There were three guys hitchiking along the roads of a plain, boring field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of them a cow ranch, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay there for the night. So they looked for the main office to ask the ranch owner if they could stay for the night. However, the ranch owner left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey, they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They each slept under a cow. One guy said, “I’m hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?”Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath the milk sac. So they began to suck and drink.The first guy said, “My cow’s milk is so good, I finished it all and now I’m full.”The second guy said, “My cow’s milk is so good, I finished it all and now I’m full.”The third guy said, “My cow’s milk doesn’t taste quite right.”The first and second guy then said to the third guy, “Well, try another nipple, that one probably has no more milk.”The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, “But how come my cow has only one, long, nipple!?”

Once upon a time, there was a nonconformist sparrow who decided to not fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather had turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to earth nearly frozen solid, landing in a barnyard.A cow passed by where the sparrow had fallen and crapped on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy and able to breath, the sparrow started to sing. Just then, a large cat came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. The moral of the story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy; everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend; and if you’re warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”"We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.” He flies out of the cave.When he returns, he is covered with blood.The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?”"Yes,” the other bat answers.”Well,” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk screams at the duck, “You’ve come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don’t have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!” The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, “Do you have any nails?” The clerk replied, “No,” and the duck said, “Good! Got any grapes?”

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, “Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?” His friend replied, “I don’t have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you.”

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, ‘I think I can stand over the hole!’ So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, ‘Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.’ And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Porsche to pick up chicks!