四六级考试网

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, “I don’t think much of this budgie jumping.”The other moron replies, “Yeah, I’m not too keen on this paragliding either.”

A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, “I want a parrot, but sell me one that definitely talks.”The man sold her a parrot, saying, “This one definitely talks.”The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table, and said to the parrot, “Okay, talk.”The parrot said, “Show me your tits.”The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out and said, “So talk.”Again, the parrot said, “Show me your tits.”To show the parrot his place, she put him in the fridge for a longer time, but still the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she put him in the freezer.There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey, “How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?”

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.” “Oh? What was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle!”

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o’clock. Ten o’clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock; no plumber.She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”He replied, “It’s the plumber.”He thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”He said, “It’s the plumber!”He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”He said, “It’s the plumber!!!!!!!!”Again he waited; again she didn’t come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, “Who is it?”; “Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!” he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, “A dead body!” she exclaimed, “Who is it?!”The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.”That’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen,” I said. “That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.”The man turned to me and said, “Yeah, it is. He hated the book.”

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.6. I will drop whatever I’m doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.7. I will get rid of those cats.8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he’s looking for just the right spot to take care of business.9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it’s hot – even in December.12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.13. I will share everything I eat with my master.14. I will allow my master on the couch.15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.17. I will not hide my master’s ball in a place where I know he couldn’t possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.20. I will stop referring to my master’s necklace as her "collar."21. I will not cut my master’s nails.22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.25. My master’s desires are always paramount. My master’s wish is my command.26. I will not bring home any more cats.27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid’s entire piano practice.34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.36. Dog bladders are not large.37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.38. I will not run out of treats.39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.44. I will try much harder to understand my master’s language.45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.49. I will always carry cookies and treats.50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I’m afraid she’ll leave me there.52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master’s nice comfy "chair".54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.”An’ wot’s this then?” he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher’s shins. “You dumb dog.” As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that’s been sitting out all day.The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.”Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who’ll know?”Again, the dog growls menacingly. “Alright, alright,” as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog’s owner screams at the dog.”Hey, what are you doing? That’s a really smart dog you’ve got there,” comments the butcher.”He’s a stupid dog–that’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his key.

This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his arm and says, “I’ll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument that you give him.” Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can’t play their instruments. The first guy hands over his French horn and the octopus starts to play it. The second guy hands over his tuba and sure enough the octopus starts to play it. The bartender then walks into the back room and comes back five minutes later with a set of bagpipes and bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn’t be able to play it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits. After about a minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe the owner of the octopus says, “Come on now! Play it!” The octopus replies, “What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaid pajamas off of it, I’m gonna screw it!”

DAY 752My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.DAY 761Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. I must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repel these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair … must try this on their bed.DAY 765Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm … Not working according to plan.DAY 768I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo”. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.DAY 770There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.DAY 773I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time …