考完统计，内心被沮丧感充斥着。不仅仅因为自己在考场上大脑一片空白的慌乱以及考试表现的差强人意，更因为，当我回顾这一学期一整年的时候，才发现，自己无法给自己一份满意的答卷。
在年初考完研的时候，我就给自己定了一个1月-3月的LIST，调剂结束以后又给自己定了一个，开学之后也定了一个。plan倒是做到了与时俱进，实施结果却是很不理想。如果要给这个计划-完成审核表打个分数的话，我的得分只有10。
最令自己不满意的还是自己的心理状态。失去了2010年的踏实从容、失去了享受当下的平和心境，一直在挫折-抱怨-拖延-焦虑-慌乱-挫折的恶性循环中往复着，处于一种牛马状态，始终被生活中的各种事情驱赶着往前走。没有发挥自己对生活的主观能动性没有掌握控制权。对于时间的管理也不例外。
人要宽容自己很容易，就像我可以把所有的过错归咎于不断的生病或者说考研的打击、新环境的不适应抑或是种种。而这一切归根到底只有一个理由就是自我放纵！
回顾这一年，是严重缺乏自制和堕落的一年。大部分的时间我都睡到日上三竿更过分的时候（例如假日或者没课的时候）则是到中午，作息饮食不规律、不健康饮食作息、不锻炼；感情上左顾右盼、失去了自我、总是在别人意见与做自己之间徘徊、为了无谓的人和事情伤神；生活上失去了生活优先秩序，想要的太多却不懂得舍弃，最后导致什么都想做什么都做不好，我那个写到一万多字就搁笔的小说、始终未曾投递出去的简历以及一个月就夭折了的家教生涯就是典型。如果我只是选择某一种生活状态：要么安心地每天在图书馆看书乖乖上课要么就安心地混日子赚钱，都不会是今天这样的尴尬状态。尝试了很多却全都没有收获。
再来看我的考试吧。执业医师侥幸水过去了，CET-6和pets5却挂掉了，口语听力外刊阅读依旧停留在极其菜的水平，更不用说另外三个很重要的考试了——却是连开始都没有。一个个例子的罗列无不令人头皮发麻。我问自己，我的时间去哪里了？我的精力去哪里了？这些东西真的是你能力所不能及的或者你真的没有做时间吗？多想回答一句不是啊，然而我说不错口！当我睡过一个又一个清晨的时候当我看完一季又一季美剧的时候当我流连于网络世界抑或儿女情长的时候，时间溜走了。总说，啊，我现在平台不好。我迷茫。我心情不好。结果呢？心情不好了又身体不好了，总是会有这样那样的事情。今天看到导师在空间里写到一句话“为什么说学校不好？怎么不怪自己不努力没考上北大？”虽然不是说给我听，每个字眼都是在不断拷问我。是啊，我不是常常把“谁叫我没考上湘雅，我谁都不能怪，这是自己造成的结果。”挂在嘴边吗？而我心里是否真的心悦诚服地接受自己的无能和失败并且努力弥补呢？并没有？除了抱怨就是自我放纵！现在想起自己的嘴脸都觉得讨厌至极。为什么我要把自己的失败归咎于其他因素而不愿意在自己身上早原因。自己把自己宠上天了。本来就不聪明，早期也不努力，已经落后别人一大截的情况下还不奋起直追，世界上最不要脸的恐怕就是我了吧。
上半年的时候，自己还经常和小组的人交流、彼此鼓励，也曾兴致勃勃地收集齐了全套的备考资料制定了一系列计划，那计划详实科学到任何一个人都能拿下那个考试，完全是小case,前提是“执行”。“执行力”！这个我在这一年甚少碰触却叫嚣的最为频繁的字眼。如果他能开口，恐怕会指着我的鼻子大骂我没出息不要脸了。26岁的人了，却像个6岁的小孩一样贪玩。平儿好几次说我最大的缺点就是“没自制力”的时候我还内心忿忿不愿意承认，其实是因为我心虚，她说中了我的痛处。我的确不如她说的那个人，不是智商不是能力，而是self-control！就是这个关键因素导致了自己多次的失败。再加上自己爱面子、得失心太重、有时候太急功近利等缺点，在许多次的竞争中都败下阵来。
很多次反思自己却不愿意记录下来，不过是不愿意自己的缺点——在19岁就深知的缺点。一次次的放纵和包容自己，生活为何要对你展露笑颜呢？其实生活很公平，你付出的多自然得到的多你付出的少收获的就少。纵观身边那些有成就的人都有以下共性：不抱怨，能控制坏情绪，不被周围的负面影响不聚焦于环境中的负面情形（事实上那些纠结于负面情形的人往往是缺乏自制力放纵自己失败的人）。他们不一定智力非凡能力超群，但是他们持久力强、意志坚定。人生是场马拉松，瞬间爆发固然重要，持续平稳却更为关键。
3月思考“追求卓越成功往往会不期而至。”
7月思考“和优秀的距离。”
12月开始思考“stay foolish，stay hungry。”有收获却未曾记录，那么思想的力量也就无从谈起了。思想不应该更不能像浮云一般飘走。
最近在看《史蒂夫-乔布斯传》被深深吸引。不仅因为他的傲人成就对世界作出的杰出贡献更因为他的人格魅力以及他坚持的克己精神。正如乔布斯所坚信的：对金钱的追求不应该成为行动的目的，而应该做对人类对世界有意义的事。以前的自己看到这句话肯定会捧腹大笑现在却有了感悟，如果一个人迷失在物质的世界里那么他的世界只能是空虚自私急功近利，他的内心不宁静那么便无所得。同时乔布斯也认定贫乏的物质生活能让人保持对生活的敏锐感。这恰好契合了我们“生于忧患死于安乐”的思想。乔布斯一生追求禅宗并深受影响将其作为精神世界的引导，从他的生平中反思自己，一年的不淡定半年的焦虑不正是由于对于金钱和物质的追求与精神、理想追求的极度矛盾吗？
从哲学角度说矛盾促进事物的发展，能有这些纠结和思考至少还能说明自己有那么点廉耻之心的，也算聊以自慰的唯一理由吧。从何时起，自己从一个一心争第一的人变成了混混就好，及格就好的人呢？总说学校不好专业不是自己想要的，为何不在负面情绪来袭的时候多劝解自己安心做事看书学习转移注意力？为何不反问自己如果在你一个所谓的不好的学校你都不能取得优越地位，在一个你不擅长的领域你就胆怯败下阵来不敢挑战自己不相信自己能做到优秀，那么你如何面对社会以及漫长的复杂的人生？2010年的自己，成功的击败了负面情绪为何现在又重蹈覆辙开始正儿八经忧伤了？达尔文的进化论里曾说”物竞天择适者生存。“你不适应环境又如何责怪环境抛弃你呢？
以前的自己太要求完美，极端了；现在的自己又太过于懒散，同样是极度。把握好两者的关系，寻求一种平衡，最后克服到缺点，用一个矛盾消灭另外一个矛盾达到自我的升华才是最为理想的状态。
三年计划只有不到两年的时间，是时候收起自己的怯懦面对新的生活以及状态了。总之，不管生活状态如何变，内心平和踏实做事才是最为关键的。世界上本没有捷径，如果总想走捷径最后很可能走更多弯路！
2012，自己的答卷要精彩！2013提交年终总结的时候，应该是一份被满满地打上勾了的planner，而不是今天的自怨自艾欲哭无泪挫折沮丧。
生活没有借口更加不相信眼泪！
2012-1-4于师大医学院3栋509 自省！
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