我发现固然平心静气地措辞很难，我的丈夫就有这类超赞的脾气，措辞几近从不刁难我。我尽力记取，我爱他身上的那些长处，把让我心烦的琐事抛到脑后。说起来轻易做起来难啊。多亲吻他几次，多拥抱他几次，多爱抚他一会儿，这些我下过决心要做的事，很有效地让我一向感受到爱的热和，心存感激感动。你的婚姻，或持久的爱情中有哪些曲解呢？有没有找到解决的编制呢？One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness. When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make — as well as the resolutions（决定，决心） I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes — I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage.1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave（巴看，热看） appreciation（赏识） and recognition（承认）! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated. I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.2. Using a snappish（暴躁的） tone. I have a very short fuse（急性质，火爆脾性） and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at（厉声斥责） him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby（暴躁的）; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery（活跃的，兴奋的） instead of accusatory（驳诘的，控告的） and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway（进步，进展） here.3. Getting angry about a fixed trait（特点，特点）. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt（诱惑，引发） me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws（错误谬误，瑕疵） are, in the scheme of things.4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” — that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency（偏向，趋势）. First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.” I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or food-shopping.It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do. Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook（俯瞰，远眺） the chores done by my husband, it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws. For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that’s really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done. I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?
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